my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
These 3D printers are insane!
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Peace was never an option
😏😏😏
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”