Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
S M O L
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler