Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You Might Also Like
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)