[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you