3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.