I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”