Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
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If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle