“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
You Might Also Like
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.