Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
You Might Also Like
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Bill is short for Billiam
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.