Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
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You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.