Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Noted.
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.