Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

I was up all night reading about insomnia

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit