“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“I killed a man”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*