Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Hey i am sexy to you now
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.