@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

You Might Also Like

@Tobi_Is_Fab

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

@Reverend_Scott

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

@ThisOneSayz

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

@andlikelaura

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

@dragonsorbet

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@squirrel74wkgn

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*