@XplodingUnicorn

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

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@sewmuchgeek

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@FeverFlave

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

@AndyRichter

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

@SteveSuckington

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@McSwtrvst

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@AnniemuMary

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

@Jermaine1st

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

@Ideal_Victoria

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.