If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed