Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Who says great literature is dead?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Had an epiphany today.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*