I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
my professor scared me for a second
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭