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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day