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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
$3 #books
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.