I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot


[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”


*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.


Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot


My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.


im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying


my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush


Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.


my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it