I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Need WebMD
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.