Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
wishing you and yours all the best
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
A dad and his duck