[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Natural selection at its finest
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you