(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was