me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away