lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.