therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.