I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
“Sheer Arrogance”