I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
next question.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star