if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*