Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
BaD BoY!!
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
🛁
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.