Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?