Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
This can never not be funny 😭😭
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Said the murderer.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
You’ll be OK
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.