A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
what the
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE