Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
my nickname in college
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.