This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.