My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.