My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.