Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
You Might Also Like
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”