I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag