Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet