I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’