Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
pelicons
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.