Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me when my alarm goes off
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face