My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.