my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
handsome & gretel
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Stonehinge
no
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.