My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
You Might Also Like
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long