I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.