Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
congratulations to them
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over