“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only