I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”