as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer