Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
This probably isn’t good
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
no one ever comes back
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?