I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.